Friday, July 31, 2009

A little down and out

Hey everyone.
I went up to memorial to have my blood levels checked this morning. I found out my white blood cell levels are low. this means i could easily pick up and infection. So... i have to isolate myselft the next two days. I asked about church sun and the research nurse said if i went, Roger would have to be my body guard and tell everyone they can't touch me! That would be so awkward because our church family is so affectionate. ithink it would make roger feel awkward too so more than likely, i'll be staying home which really was a downer for me. It is a blessing that i havent' seen my clients the last couple of days because i could have picked up anything the babies have. Anyway, now i know the second week will most likely be the week i will have to stay out of crowds and not work and now i know the explanation for the way i have been feeling. blah! According to my nurse, next week the levels will begin comingup and be normal before my next treatment.
I will be honest with you. i am really struggling knowing i still have five and a half months of treatment. i am wondering if i'm doing the right thing getting the chemo. after all, the lump was removed with good margins and no lymph node involvement. and God told me he would heal me. I just know that i could be living a normal life right now instead of enduring the side effects of the chemo. there is no guarantee i won't have a relapse of cancer anyway, the chemo just lowers the possibility. I am praying about this. I wish it was cut and dry for me. my body literally feels like it has been poisoned, I feel so week and not being able to do the things i want to do is so hard! God, please give me an answer. I am really struggling with this! And i know that this decision is one i have to make alone. I am a person who is full of life and it is hard to feel beat down! Hoping that the sun will shine through the clouds tomorrow!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

hopefully worst is over!

Hey everyone.
I have had couple of bad days but this is to be expected with the treatment. i had terrible nausua and diarrhea yesterday, headach and fatigue. tried prescriptions i had on hand but didn't need to help. oncologist called me in some zophram which finally got my stomach settled down but still couldn't tolerate fool . however, it did make me sleep and sleep and sleep. this morning was some better. Got up, walked rusty and showered but about 12 stomach pains again. i have eaten a little and took zophram. hopefull, will be able to eat tonight since mom is coming over to cook fried squash! yea!
next week, i am supposed to be on the upswing until treatment next fri. also, i have my blood levels checked tomorrow as this is the time wbc can drop.
had to put of work for a couple of days. hoping i can make at least one or two home visits tomorrow, if not on mon. the last home visit i made , there was cigarette smoke in the house and made me feel so sick! If anyone knows anything i can take or eat to help with the tolerence please let me know. that is one of the drawbacks of my job but there are many benefits.
I wanted to report that roger( if you don't know him, you can see my pic at bottomof blogger page) my love , one year strong got a job after being unemployed for four months. so, this is a praise!
I had a good day with zack but still haven't seen steph in a while. please pray for me and kids . there is a lot going on right now and satan seems to be in attack mode.
God gave me this verse this morning and i looked it up. it is in Romans. it was one of the awana verses, i helped the kids with years ago.
For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone who believes. It made me think how the word is our power and my power to get through this valley! God is always right on time.
Hugs to you all.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Blah today. Stayed up late dealing with issues with son. nobody ever said being a parent of teenagers and divorced would be easy. Didn't shower or get out today but did get garage cleaned out. Roger came over and helped cook but went home feeling bad with headache. I hope and pray he isn't getting sick. It is possible that my counts could drop this week.
any advice on dealing with a teenage son whose dad is out of pic for a year is appreciated.
I know that God didn;t promise us life would be easy, just that He would be with us each step of the way. just tired and headache! tomorrow will be better. I really feel that Satan is attacking my family. Will get in Word before bed. I have two awesome kids. They are just finding their way!
Nite. please comment.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Super Sunday!

Hey. Wanted to report that i had a really good day today. Church this morning, my nephew's party, went to pool for a while, back to church then out to eat with friends. Zack was at church tonight too so I was very proud! I also wore my new shirt, "fight like a girl" and got compliments and had a chance to tell what God has done for me this week. God has certainly given me a boldness through this that I haven't had before.
Iwant to brag on my awesome, amazing church family at Mount Rachel. They always lift me up with encouraging words and smiles. I just can't say how important having a church and church family is at this time in my life. I have other awesome friends as well who breathe life into me! There are so many people in my life that keep me going each and every day! I hope I am able to sew some seeds in their lives too.
Well, I think I am over the hump as well as the yucky feeling in my stomach. I pretty well "pigged out" today from lunch on on whatever I wanted and did fine with the acid reducer I take everyday. Then tonight we ate chinese and I had grilled veggies and rice, rice, rice and icecream. So far, handling it well. I do take an anxiety, nausea pill at night which i just took that helps me sleep but so far, not many meds at all. Thank you, Jesus.
I am getting ready to wrap it up for tonight. Planning on getting up tomorrow and setting up home visits for the week. Got five in next week, need a bigger paycheck this week. By the way, God came through on paying my bills this month. He is always right on time.
Love you all.
Remember, if God had a wallet, your pic would be in it! He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. His word always stands true.

Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

One week into treatment!

Well, hello again. It has been a while since i blogged. There was some kind of technical problem with my account. Anyway, I finally figured it out.
Well, tomorrow will be a week since my first treatment. And God has given me the strength one day at a time, one hour at a time to get through this. It has definitely not been easy but Hehas given me strentgh, hope and grace for each day. Eleven more weeks to go in the first leg.
The treatment itself wasn't so bad. I have this wonderful port under the skin in my chest which makes things much easier. the worst part was the numbing and pressure but just a stick and it was done! My wonderful surgeon, dr rawlings put it in when he did the lumpectomy. It was funny, the whole time I was hungry, munching on sandwiches and cookies and Roger kept sticking freezy pops into my mouth when i got the "red devil" as instructed by the nurse. I honestly think it was harder on him than it was on me. He really does love me a lot. it's funny, i don't remember much of that night, think it was some of the stuff in my i v. my mom came over with chicken and dumplings though and i ate two bowls then kind of out of it. I also took this 120 dollar pill the first few days that helps with side effects, but guess what, the research nurse has gotten it paid for for all my treatments! The next day was not that great, flushed and hot feeling in face. {I found out they had also given me a steroid which i don't tolerate well!} Think i napped a lot that day. the next day I felt really good for most of the day and did okay the rest of the week except for some nausea , headache and fatigue. I was able to put in a half day's work which was a blessing. As for work, my research nurse told me to live life as usual, just use hand sanitizer and tell anyone sick to stay away! No isolation or mask as long as levels are okay. first finger stick count fri was fine! Praise the Lord! it would eally effect my mood if i could not do my job since it "breathes life into me" , will tell you more about it later.
Big event today, my granny turned88 and we had a big party. saw lots of relatives i usually don't see, hugged a few and just used sanitizer. It was worth it. I also was invited to the third birthday of one of my clients. Her mom and I have become great friends and it was awesome to spend some time with them.
I also got a pedicure! I now only get one a month because of my finances so it felt sooo good. the massage chair was wonderful, darling. Did I tell you my friend cut my hair short for free and put a hot pink extension in it. And some of my friends are getting them for breast cancer awareness. It is so awesome when you see Jesus through people, their acts of kindness really touch me deep inside.
Have you ever listened to Michael Combs? I started off my morning with listening to him singing Not For Sale which I on my facebook. he is a truly annointed gospel singer who really inspires me. The other song I listened to was Ray Boltz, The Anchor Holds. It is a classic! God really speaks to me thru music.
Well, I'll wrap up for tonight. I wanted to summarize my first week of treatment. I have been sleeping well, that's a praise for me since I am an insomniac at times. I have some new pics of my hair that I'll try to post tomorrow. love you all.
Isaiah 40:31

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

have the blues!

hey. made it through today. don't know what's going on but have had a headache and fatigue today. I had to go to memorial first thing for a cardiogram and labs. i then got meds filled that i'm to start before mon. I had a six month review with one of my clients then headed home. got ready but didn't go to church. tired! another thing, i have this wierd kind of rash on my right breast where i had the surgery. it is almost like bruising or blood vessels. My surgeon is going to check it in morning. then a day of tests, tests, tests ( ct scan, bone test, etcc) to be ready for mon. I will be there most of the day. However, i will get a massage between tests. they are free for us at the breast center! Also, gonna get my hair cut short tomorrow. my mood today, kind of solomn and thoughtful, a little down. need to get in my Bible before bed. Hope you all have a good night!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

a few thoughts and update

Hello everyone.
I have had a good day. Made a home visit to one of the families I help. Came home and ate lunch with my son. I have a meeting at four for work and then my daughter is coming over for dinner. I also think roger is coming over! Busy is good for me right now.
Well, i will definitely be doing the clinical trial. I will find out mon whether i will get the standard treatment of the trial med during the last leg of the chemo. The first four months is the same for both. I really don't know which to pray for! my doc seems really impressed about the new drug that's already used to treat some breast cancers. I get more tests and scans tomorrow and thurs then i will be ready to start treatment on mon. inbetween, i have 3 meds to fill to help with side effects. also i'm to bring popsicles and drinks to eat or drink during treatment. this is supposd to help with mouth sores. ouch! but for the most part i'm ready. by friday i'll feel like i've been through the ringer, i'm sure.
God has given me a peace about everything today, isn't he awesome!
You know if He was small enough to be understand, he wouldn't be big enough to be worshipped!
Hugs to you all!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A few thoughts.....

Thank you so much Kathy, you were the first to comment on my blog. I am so thankful that I have gotten to know you and Bob. And I remember coming in your office and inviting you to MRBC! Yall are certainly an asset!

Well, had a good day. Both church services were wonderful. I went to a 50 year anniversar, rog's uncle's, rested then back to church! Don't know what's going on today, feel a little run down, maybe just fromt he trip. Hope I am not coming down with something with treatment in one week! I think that i am having a little anxiety over it too. Just feeling a little achey and stomach is kind of icky. I have two appointments. Tomorrow I go to talk to someone to find out more about a chemic trial which will be the last leg of chemo. Then on wed, they will do an echogram on my heart. I have my first two hour treatment next mon. I am a little anxious. I think I will be better once I am through with the first one though, it's just not knowing what to expectt! Then i won't have another for three weeks. So , that's my update for now. Just pray that I will keep my focus on God and know that he hasn't given us a sense of fear, but of power and that I will find the peace I felt at the beach, just being still and knowing that he is God.. thank you. good nite.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Hello everyone. I just got back from a wonderful trip to destin, fla. this was last minute before i started treatment since i don't know how i'm gonna react to it. there is something about being at the ocean that makes me feel close to God and realize how big he really is. favorite moments were sitting under beach umbrella reading with ocean breeze blowing and floating out in the water on a calm day being rocked by the waves. it reminds me a line of a song " i felt like a new born baby, cradled up in the arms of the Lord" that 's what it felt like. amazing.

Did I tell you how everyday a new praise and worship song comes to me depending on my situation and how I am recalling verses i never knew that i had memorized? It's true, sometimes first thing in the morning and sometimes during the day . it's like they have been stored and ready to be played when needed! Psalms 19 :1 talks about hiding God's word in your heart and the BIble talks about how will it will come to you when you need it. this is so true! everyday God puts verses in my mind to help me get through the day. This is amazing to me but then again, it is our God who made the universe!

I want to end by telling you how much I have grown through this valley. I have already told you about the songs and scripture coming to me. I am spending more time in the word and it is so addictive! i have started a little journal to record verses that have meaning to me. but there are so many! I am learning to "Be still and know that he is God." I appreciate every moment and don't take it for granted. I have taken inventory of myself and learning how to really pray!

Well, you are probably tired of reading. please leave me a comment

Monday, July 6, 2009

Even in the valleys the light shines through!

Ok. I'm back.
To make a long, long story short, about four weeks ago I found the dreaded lump on my right breast. I went to my gyn who sent me for an ultrasound who sent results back to doc who made a referral to the Mary Ellen Breast center at Memorial. There I was biopsied, diagnosed with invasive glandular carcinoma, sent to oncologist to discuss treatment and scheduled for surgery. Two weeks ago, I had a lumpectomy and lymph node removal. Answered prayers, the lympth nodes were all beneign and the tumor had clear perimeters. the surgery wasn't bad and I quickly recovered. The bad news is that because of the type and size of tumor, six months of chemo treatments three weeks apart is highly recommended to reduce the chance of having a nother tumor. On the last two weeks of this I will be part of a clinical trial of a brand new type of chemo that targets cancer d n a. (exciting huh?). Then radiation for a few weeks and i'll be back to my normal life!

So.. I found out today that my first treatment will be two weeks from today following my short vacation to fla with Roger, my love and zack (my son) and his son, Garrett. The other not so good news was that within two to three weeks of treatment I will lose my hair, all my hair. Ouch!!! I have been letting it grow out for months for mine and roger's wedding this year (which we haven't set a date for). So much for those plans. Doesn't that just show that God laughs at our silly little plans! BUT the good part is, it will give me an excuse to go with my friend Angie "slum shopping" for hats and scarves. She also says that she will have an excuse to wear all her pink hello killy stuff! True friends are amazing like your Christian family!

Well, now you know what's going with my and why I started blogging again. It will be therapeutic for me and will give my friends a chance to keep up with what's going on, progress, look at bald pics etc....... I got the idea from an old classmate who was diagnosed in March and began blogging. Being reunited with her has a God send. Isn't it great how he puts the right people in our lives at the right time! But then he is God.!
I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes Iread on someone's refridgerator

If God was small enough to be understood, he wouldn't be big enough to be worshipped!
Have a wonderful day. I plan on blogging from Destin the rest of the week.

"He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world."

Sunday, July 5, 2009

going through the valley to get to the mountain

Here I am a few months after my first blog. I have been divorced one and a half years now. I have learned that I can do things on my own such as moving, painting, using tools, popping the hood of the car etc... I now have my own little condo, 2002 beetle which i'm very fond of, new job, even new dog and new interest and zeal for life. I now know myself well enough to know what's important to me: God and people, not things. Peace and happiness are important to me as well as making ends meet but wanting more material things, no. I have found things that breathe life into me such as real praise and worship, relationship instead of religion, spending time with real friends that lift me up and lifting them up, and sowing seeds into the lives of others.

Also, I never thought this would happen but I have fallen into amazing and true love with someone from the same community that I never dreamed would happen? Isn't it amazing how God can turn your life upside down then right side up gain and it be better than before. It's kind of like taking a snow globe, holding it upside down shaking it then turning it right side up and it is prettier than ever!

That's kind of what God did to me!

When I began the process of divorce after 22 long years of marriage, I was scared to death. My marriage wasn't good but it was security. How would I ever make it alone? A wise lawyer told me that going into it , divorce is like a mountain in front of you, you can't see over or around it. But when you finally get to the top , you see there is a whole new world on the other side! I didn't believe him at the time, because i just knew my life was over and had in store for me. But guess what I'm on the other side!!!!

As far as my job, due to depression and emotional issues stemming from marital problems, I left a teaching career of 18 years about six months before my divorce was final. I took this time to refind myself and heal. God provided to me during this time when I was living on faith. When it was time to go back to work, I decided to change careers. I found out that when God closes a door in your life, he opens a window! I got this wonderful job as primary service provider and early interventionist for babies and toddlers for a program called "Babies Can't Wait" , I now have the opportunity to provide intervention to families. I soon realized that, although not very lucrative (I am independent contractor with no benefits) , this was my calling. It has been an amazing experience for me to sew into the lives of my clients! I have met the most wonderful people and the have blessed me tremendously.

Then about four weeks ago, my diagnosis. I want to write more on that later. Know this was long but I have a lot to tell! I hope you were able to stay with me!

God is good through it all!